Three Good Things

A Tuck-In Strategy
Rebecca Montoya 2-18-06

Growing up, I assumed that every child in the world said prayers with their parents, listened to a story, and discussed the concerns of their young mind each evening when it was time to go to bed. Being tucked in was a set part of my experience and it never occurred to me that the same routine might not be happening in every home. I loved being tucked in and I love to tuck in my children.

Sometimes we start as a family in the living room or on my bed to have prayer and read books. When that party breaks up, everyone takes care of their bathroom responsibilities and makes their way to their own bed. One by one I visit each child. Sometimes I listen to them say their personal prayers (if I’m invited), and we talk about how their day went and what they are expecting for tomorrow. On occasion, I will share a spiritual thought or cool quote that I’ve come across and try to glean their insights. Five minutes, a kiss, and a hug later and I’m on my way to the next child.

When this cherished moment of parent/child bonding that was supposed to solidify the love and happiness of our home started to turn into negative complaint sessions with one of my children, I became concerned. Rather than having balanced conversation about the good and the bad, I felt like I was the trashcan for everything terrible that happened. I wanted my child to express their feelings fully, but it seemed like a negative way to end the day. I started feeling disappointed with the entire experience. Luckily I was able to recall a technique my mother used on one of her “not always positive” children — ME!

After expressing all of the letdowns, discouragements, and social injustices of the day, my mom would request that I end with three good things. Sometimes it was hard to think of anything good, and I would finally settle with a survival need that was met — food, water, shelter, etc. But over time I learned to accept the bad and ugly while holding tight to the good. Drawing from my childhood, I was able to implement a bedtime strategy that helped prevent my children from dwelling on life's frustrations by reflecting on the good that is had everyday—if we look for it.

Why Is She Pretending To Have It All Together?

Thanks For Thinkin' I'm Kinda Smart
Rebecca Montoya 9-12-09

I don't blog often. I have an "upcoming post" log, that is filled out months in advance. So, when I get a chance to sit at the computer, I create several new posts and post-date them according to where I want them to fall. Over the years I have written many articles and created handouts for various parenting classes or groups that I've run. As a result, I have an arsenal of writings just waiting to be released. Occasionally, I will compose something original to address a particular concern of my own or one of my readers (like this one).

Maybe you're not interested in all the "behind the scenes" details. I'm sharing, because part of managing your life, includes not being consumed by the computer, internet and/or other technology, and I want to make clear that I'm doing my best to follow this principle, although I think I could do better (working on it).

Also, for those aware of unique circumstances in my personal life, you might be wondering, "Why is she still blogging and pretending to have it all together?" A good question, and hopefully the first paragraph provides some insight. My life is proof that when chaos is managed in areas I have control over, the areas out of my control don't knock me flat (usually).

Thank you for reading and going along with the whole "she's kinda smart" thing. It makes me feel good.

Floor Plans & Parking Spots

Shopping List By Floor Plan
Rebecca Montoya 11-21-05

Unless I am bored out of my mind and am wandering the aisles of the store as entertainment, than I HATE back-tracking. There's something to celebrate in the corner convenience store, not the over priced gallon of milk, but the fact that you can see the entire store and all its contents. Compare that to the super-ginormous store with a gazillion choices of every single item they stock. I take all this into consideration when writing out my shopping list.

My approach is to take a circular loop through the store. For example, when I enter the local Super Wal-Mart (not like "super-hero" super, just super because they say so), I always bare left toward the office section, cosmetics department, pharmacy, and bathroom supplies. I then head to the back of the store stopping along the way as needed for light bulbs, batteries, kitchen house-wares, automotive supplies, etc. Once at the back of the store, a turn to the right takes me past electronics, clothing, crafts, material, and the infant department.

All of the areas I have just discussed usually take me less than 10 minutes, because I rarely need much if anything from them. By now I am in the far right hand corner of the store, which is where the groceries are stocked. I work my way from the back up to the front of the food section—ending with bread and produce and make my way to a friendly cashier. I say “friendly” cashier, because “friendly” is totally worth waiting in line for in my opinion (especially if price matching or coupon shopping). I don’t go through all the work of designing a shopping list according to the store’s floor plan, just to end up with a grouchy cashier who’s likely to take her frustration our on my perfect bananas.

At home, I keep a random written shopping list on a magnet attached to my refrigerator. When it’s time to go to the store, I take down the list and rewrite it according to the layout of the store I will be going to. It’s kind of a silly little thing I do, but it’s all the little ideas, when done together, that make life that much simpler to manage.

Oh, and I always---ALWAYS park in row 1 or 2 at Wal-Mart, because it is humiliating to wander the parking lot. In row 1 or 2, I can still forget exactly where I parked, but walk with confidence in the right direction.

Out of Whack: One Man's Crap Is Another Man's Fertilizer

Pile Your Crap On Me, It's Good Fertilizer
Rebecca J. Montoya 8-20-09

I don't really have much to add to the title--it's pretty self explanatory. I find when people confide their battles and struggles in me, that I am personally strengthened and my life seems pretty dang fantastic. It's not that my life is free from struggles, but I kinda like the ones I've got and have figured out how to handle them in an okayish manner.

Back to the title -- I guess that explains why I went into counseling. It is energizing and fulfilling beyond description to watch people have personal awakenings and develop strategies toward success.

Tips on turning crap into fertilizer:

• Be a good listener, but don't try to fix everything, don't come off as an expert (even if you are), don't attempt to come up with the perfect solution, and don't or get over-involved.
• Just because a friend is hating their spouse (or someone else) one day, doesn't mean you should hate them.
• Effective fertilizing only takes place when gossip is out of the equation. Don't pry, don't stir the pot, and keep confidentialities.
• Recognize your limits and if a certain friendship is too draining. Set appropriate boundaries. You don't have to answer every call or go to every lunch.

The more we learn of others and offer whatever service we might have, the more nurtured our lives become!! And that's not really out of whack at all.

Saving Memories--One Child At A Time

Children’s Journals
Rebecca Montoya 11-2-05

Children are constantly doing or saying the cutest or most unusual things. When you observe these memorable moments, you think you will never forget the details of that event. BUT YOU WILL!! When your child does or says something sweet, funny, touching, or unbelievable make record of it. Breaking out the video recorder might work if you’re able to convince the child to reenact what occurred, but most children aren’t so cooperative when we demand them to perform. Journals have been an effective tool for me to keep track of these special occasions.

I spend about ten minutes on Sundays writing in one child’s journal. I don’t write in every journal every week—just one. Since I have five children, they have a journal entry about once every five weeks. Some parents immediately write their child’s cute story as soon as it occurs. My approach is a little different. If I want to be sure to write about a specific incident, I write a brief description on a post-it note (usually one or two sentences) and stick it in that child’s journal where I will see it when I go to write. The children's journals sit on the shelf next to my bed. The journal on the top is the one I will be writing in next and then, of course, I place it on the bottom when I’m finished. My two-year old keeps messing the order of the pile up & her journal is always on top, which means I have to work a little harder and study the entry dates to determine who’s next.

My mom had seven children and rather than keeping separate journals for each of us, she had one family journal. My children each have a personal journal, to keep their own version of the story. I encourage them to write in their journals also on Sundays, and sometimes give them a topic, like: favorite food in your life right now; recent movie you watched and a review; scripture story that has impacted you; something you will never do when you are a parent or spouse (these are priceless)…

My children love to hear stories from their journals, and a birthday tradition is to lie on my bed and read for as long as they want. From potty training to the first day of school—it’s their life and it makes them feel very important. Even when I’m writing the happenings of the family, it is through that child’s perspective and the spotlight’s on them. I enjoy using journals to keep a record of my children’s progress, changes, interesting events, and also find it a wonderful place to express my deep feelings of hope, concern, appreciation, and love for them. When my oldest graduated high school, I was able to create a fun combination of pictures and stories in a small album for him to take on his life adventures in the adult world—it wasn’t practical for him to take all 18 volumes of his picture books :) Being able to reflect in his journal simplified this project and made it extra meaningful.

Curious how others are keeping track—other than blogging of course.

Survivor Mom--Giant Bugs & Counseling

Survivor Mom: Will Counseling Label My Child?
Rebecca Montoya 8-11-09

A few months back I was washing dishes. I kept feeling a strange sensation in the middle of my back. I tried to reach it with my hand and give a little scratch, but just couldn't stretch far enough. After several minutes, the sensation moved a little lower, and I started to wonder if it was a bug. I asked my fifteen year old son, the only one home at the time, if there was something crawling on my back and he said no. The itchy feeling returned. This time I had my son come and look inside the back of my shirt.

Trust me, he wasn't thrilled to assist, but things went from slightly uncomfortable to crazy-insane in an instant, when he informed me there was a giant bug down my shirt. I began my irrational-bug-slaughter by slamming my back repeatedly against my son's chest while violently flailing my arms. Soon, I had ripped my shirt off, my son ran away, and I was having back-slapping convulsions on the kitchen floor. It was right about that time, when the outside door opened and the rest of the family returned. My fifteen year old was glad to have them home, and informed the entire family that he might need therapy after what he had just gone through.

We had a good laugh (I might have still been crying actually). I wish killing bugs was the only negative experience my children were exposed to. The truth is, there are many children who have a biological or environmental need for professional counseling.

It's simple. Kids need to have opportunities to talk. Talk about their day. Talk about their frustrations, their concerns, their worries, their joys, their weird thoughts... Regular everyday kiddos need to feel free to share. Free to share without the grown-ups in their life always having a solution or knowing "exactly what they are going through." Free to share without fear of it turning into a battle. Regular everyday kiddos need to feel that they are heard and gently guided in finding direction.

Let's face it, though, most children in today's society are dealing with something that's not so regular (a nature or nurture issue). Such situations magnify the need to talk, be heard, and seek solutions tremendously. Often well-grounded parents are an adequate safe sounding-board, but occasionally more is needed. In such instances, considering professional therapeutic assistance is not a sign of weakness, but of courage. Seeking such help must be done carefully and prayerfully.

Here is a link that helps answer the question, "Should my child see a therapist?"
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/finding_therapist.html


The link below is to guide is choosing a child therapist.
http://www.americanmentalhealth.com/index.tpl?page=32681517213476745

Negative labels or stigmas attached to seeing a therapist are not common anymore. Putting off a child's needs over a stigma concern is not a wise trade off.

Turning Rules Into A Game

Household Trivia
Rebecca Montoya 11-3-05

Here’s a game that can be adapted from the youngest member of the family to the most senior. Not only is it versatile, but also this game reinforces important family rules, policies, and other information you want your children to remember. It’s simple. On 3” by 5” cards, you start writing questions that apply to your family and household—responsibilities, cooking, cleaning, etc. Some examples might include:

• What temperature should the thermostat be set at night?
• Name three things we do after dinner?
• If there was a family emergency and mom & dad were gone, who could you call?
• How much time are we allowed to play video games each day? And what needs to be done first?
• How long do you dry a regular load of laundry?
• What are three items you should pack in your lunch?
• Where do we store extra batteries?
• Demonstrate a good way to respond when mom tells you, "no," at the grocery store.

We did this a few years back and haven't played it often since, but I'm working on an updated version for my two little ones. It’s not intended to be a knockdown drag-out competitive game. All family members can continually add new questions to address current concerns, weaknesses, or areas of strength. There is no grand prize, but you could open a bag of M&Ms to distribute throughout the game in a totally random manner. Questions should be simplified for little children and no one should come away feeling inadequate. It’s just a fun little way to remind and reinforce.

Another version could be a trivia game about family history or traditions.